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Author: Subject: A turkish jesuit named Hasan
NY_writer
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[*] posted on 5.23.2016 at 04:20 PM


oh yea and just now he says he has to go and do something. and I really thought I heard him leave. like I heard the door open and close. 5 minutes goes by and my work phone rings (because I work from home ya know) and then I hear the door open and close again. like I know what he did. he knows I talk to myself like forreal talk to myself and so he probably thought I was going to say something about my attitude and his cold shoulder but he didn't catch me this time. primaiarly because i'm not mad and I kept thinking about how I cannot wait to tell the cocoalounge this story.

totally weird right. . .

anyway as you have read this I really hope you were just as expressive as I was while typing. like i'm totally pulling this valley gurl shiit out of my arse. . . until next time.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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NY_writer
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[*] posted on 5.31.2016 at 02:26 PM


yet again I sleep to dream; my dreams are reality; the nightmare and the dream and the reality coexist; happening simultaneously. everyone is there. I am gone. whose world is this?



"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 6.5.2016 at 09:11 PM


im starting to sound like the boy who cried wolf. . . I meet guy, think I like him, fucc him, hate myself for fuccing him, get stuck in a dead end relationship where I have play completely bonkers just to get him to leave the relationship. well this time. . .

this time. . .

well this time it is different. this man is not only the finest man I've ever been with but I am in love. he actually told me first that he loves me. the first time he said it it was in a roundabout way. he said "I love you like a friend" now when he said that I friend zoned him because to me that sounded like "yea I see you cheking me out but I don't like you like that so let me run interference"

ha. . . boy was I wrong. . .

just typing about it gets me drunk. he likes to cuddle so he would come in the living room while I am watching tv and snuggle up to me. the first time he did it he kissed me and we had sex. it wasn't thatgreat. but I knew I liked this guy again. but I figured that this was a FWB type of situation because I really didn't think he liked me any other way. yesterday (mind you we had been screwing occasionally at this point) we get into some serious worship. after the spirit is lifted he says I just love you. like I really love you not like a friend. I smiled and said likewise. and I said that intentionally because. . .




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 6.29.2016 at 01:08 PM


the kisses were tender. the lips soft the hand gentle. it had the feeling of perfection; some type of bliss but all of this was awkward; strange. I had known him for over a year now but we had only been friends; I still see him as my best friend but not much of a lover. maybe this is what true love is. maybe he should feel more like a friend so that way when the passion fades here and there we still have something to talk about. man, I am more immature than I thought about this relationship thing.
intensity. . . tensity. . . ensity. . . sity. . ty




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 4.13.2017 at 08:39 PM


everyone on the outside thinks this is rainbows and unicorns. that i'm being treated like a queen since I've been married. well this is the first time and all of you are the first to hear and read, I guess, that I have been miserable for a long time. I never should have been married. perhaps I was destind to live a whorish life and go to hell. this man that I married was not the man before we were married. yesterday he called our 2 year old daughter a fool and then laughed about it. that is simply intolerable. now I admit I am not easy to live with. I want the bills paid on time (preferable when they are received) I like my house clean at all times. And I simply cannot not stand grown a$$ adults sleeping in all day and playing video games until 6 in the morning when there is [Censored] to be done. he says I work all day. he works 40 hours a week 5 days a week and has weekends off. he works for the school so he gets these random vacations that the other students get. our daughter doesn't really care for him
why the final fuc% am I still here. I am not a disabled veteran as I just got my disability approved? it is enough for me and her and now the unborn to survive on our own. so why don't we leave. for a while I didn't consider divorce but since I've gotten my disability and now i'm on my way to grad school I have been looking at some apartments. right now we live in a good size house. I have invested a bit into this house. everything in the house belongs to me technically but I do not want it. I told him I want to get this mess annulled he says he wont sign anything. I don't care I"m still leaving. you know typing this out really makes it seem like i'm a battered wife. my first reaction is to say that I am not but I know that denial is he first sign.

I had to stop and think do I actually deserve better maybe this is what I deserve. I treated men like crap when I was younger and you know whorish. perhaps this is payback. perhaps this is what I deserve. i am really miserable. there are some good minutes. . . yes literal minutes like maybe 30 minutes sometimes an hour but that one hour in a day of misery. good night. perhaps i'll chat again tomorrow.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 4.16.2017 at 08:57 PM


i mean really what a disgustin piece of white trash



"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 4.21.2017 at 05:24 PM


so as im nearing the start of grad school. I've decided to began working on my thesis or dissertatio. at least I think that's what it is in grad school. I don't know but I don't there is some big paper or presentation at the end of this. I decided by writing an inmate. yea I know it isdefinitely something I've never done before and quite frankly I don't think it is anymore dangerous than the government knowing my social security number and spying on me via social media and electronic devices. anyway so I had been almost obsessed with Angela Simpson. I won't go into detail of her crime so just google her. I saw an interview with her and I was enamored. so I googled her today hoping o find an address to where she was incarcerated and I actually found more than I bargained for. theres this website called writeraprisoner.com and an an undoctored photo of here was on there along with a bitof a profile basically how she isin't interested in a bleeding heart and all that and she does not wan to be released and get this. . . she's married to a man. she wasn't married before she was incarcerated. she says in her profile that she just wants to have stimulating conversation with a female. well I didn't hve any envelopes so the website offers and email tool. where you email the company and they print it off and mail it t the prisoner. on the 4th and 20th of each month. now because this all seemed too simple and easy. I had to seriously do my research on this site. on he outside the picture of simpson seemed legit it was definitely her and it wasn't a picture that was already public (ie., news images etc) and the and what she wrote in her profile was consistent with her personality. she talked nothing of her crime or her family just that she wanted someone to chat with. when I looked deeper into the site the actually are legit. they have 47 complaints on BBB that are all resolved most to the consumer satisfaction and they have a B+ rating. so I did it. so I guess ill be waiting sometime next month. I told her to write back even if she doesn't want to be pen pals just to let me know she received it.

the point of all that was the thesis thing. so I plan on doing it on violent crimes committed by women who are currently incarcerated.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 4.27.2017 at 05:50 PM


I really think people got me f-ed up thinking I owe them an explanation for every damn thing I do in my life. When I got married I got a message from this dude getting a f-ing attitude with me about me getting married. he got mad and said "I didn't even know you were engaged" bih and???!!! so the f what. since when do I owe you sh!t about what I do with my life. and this mofo. it is like ni66as don't care if you married. after all that this dude just felt the need to continue to confide in me and that's cool in all but expected me to do the same like dude we aint besties. so come either next month or sometime in june whenever I get this extra money from the school (financial aid) I will pay him what I owe (as I borrowed some money from him for an emergency) and disconnect myself from him. and pretty much everyone else. I go this friend who talks soooo much sh!t behind my back and I can't prove it. So I just quit coming to here house. and she asked why I didn't. bih your rotten a$$ kids is why. shes got an 11 year old daughter who is great. I could kid sit for her anytime. she lovs my Eleanor and plats her hair and she is just a responsible kid. shes got a new born who I don't mind but this f-ing 3 year old sh!t demon is just that. a damn demon. I cannot have my daughter around this kid. twice I went to baby sit at her house with my 2 year old and this lil mofo gets mad and balls his fist up like hes about to puch her. why because my daughter asked for her blanket. the f*uck you teaching your damn son. now in this womans defense the kid is her baby daddys kid not hers biologically and she raises the kid like its hers because bio mom is on some goofy ish. anyway, I hate this kid. when he did that mess to my daughter I was realy about to f*uck his little a$$ up. so I decided I ain't f*ucking with her kids no mo. also she's irresponsible af. and I ain't downing her. cuz yall know I have been so irresponsible and wreckless with money and things . . . years ago. now I don't care about ish but getting my kids HBCU ready, getting these bills paid and making sure my kids don't grow up to be ungrateful sons a bit*ches. so when tax season rolls around and I know i'm about to get a fatt a$$ check I friggin invest. I invest in my kids. I make sure my bills are paid up then invest in my kids future.

not this broad first of all she asked me about how I do my taxes. I tells her I do turbo tax because I don't have a bunch of crazy stuff where I need a cpa. she says okay. then later says shes going to go to the person who does her other friends taxes. I asked her, homegirl do yo have extra bank accounts. worked over seas got any extra investments that otherwise you will need a professional to sort out, she says no. I say well you grown but I advise you not to go to a tax professional because for you have to pay them and you may not get back as much as you are supposed to get. she says okay. now in all of this she owed 2300 in back rent (which I did not know about. I tell you that in a moment) and her car had took a s*hit. that was in janurary. here we are in april. she calls about 2 week ago and asked to borrow 100. now she didn't even kno I had money. the only reason why she knew that because my f*ucking retard of a husband decided to tell the whole f*ucking world that I received my retroactive back pay from the va (I am 70% service-connected) which was a big chunk of money (he also decided to volunteer for me to by this woman a damn car. oh I was pissed and ofcourse I was like hell no). no by this point. I had already used the money to pay off my school so I can go to grad school (I started today. yay) INVEST in my kids future. paid ahead on my bills, you known grown sh*it.

so my husbands goes over to her house because he really wanted to play vide games with he boyfriend (they got a little bromance) because he can't play that sh*it here. we had too many problems with him and those videos games like staying up until 6 in themoring. being a dick bag to our child. yep I shut that shi*t down quick (he's getting better now). anyway, so he goes and gives them the money. I don't ask questions when it comes to people I sorta kinda trust when they ask for money. my husbands asks the how much they owe in rent. and they say 2300 dollars. i'm like how in the final f*uck do you owe that much money when you got 3 kids you cliam and you work a minimum wage job and you supposed to get getting them stacks on refund day???? she just says she got screwed over on her taxes. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . well I'll be :deadhorse:
no she didn't just get f*ucked on her taxes she also bought her kids a brand new nice solid oak bed. now don't get me wrong that's good and all but baby if you owe that much money a new bed and gon stop the landlord from kicking yall out then where you gon put the bed. . . turns out they got a 3 day notice to move out. I had a eviction before so I explained to her that the 3 day is frm the landlord its like a threat. they still gotta go through the process courts and sheriffs and all that and they could take a month or more. so you good then I gave her a place that I used when I was only one month behind (this was last year and I had got laid off my job and unemployment in fflorida is a joke. we talking 8 weeks of unemployment) I told her exactly what to do and all that. she . . . yea. . . well she was able to come up with 400 dollars and they are still in their place.

I am just venting tday. so i'm on my hood speech. i'll be back right tomorrow. I'm just so aggravated with humans.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 5.4.2017 at 02:58 PM


I thought I had made amends with zachs death after all it has been 4 years since his suicide. my professor thanked me for my service and I sat here at my computer reading that and began talking. no one was there. I just began talking to myself. I started talking about what it was like over there. I guess Im was talking to the chair in front of me. I don't know. my daughter was playing with her tablet and is used to me talking to myself. As I began the monologue about when and why I got a combat action badge. I thought about the people involved in that incident and Zach was apart of it. I started crying. I miss Zach. what the hell are you doing. where is your soul?



"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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[*] posted on 5.23.2017 at 08:47 PM


I am . . . I am. . . I don't actually know. . .
I am severely depressed today. I don't want to move. I don't want to eat or feed my kids (though I feed them out of necessity) I really just want to be gone. just die. I sit here present with you. yet my mind is on things of the afterlife. I sit here now present with you and in my mind I am praying that God will still my heart permanently. I tried to work on some class assignments moments ago but I can't seem to must up the energy to continue. I feel mostly homicidal then afterwards I'd let myself get arrested because I feel relief. I am sooooooo not in the mood to hear someone's bs metaphysical witchcraft to help me with this situation. quite honestly I don't even have to worry about killing you. you have chosen a life that God will honor by his wrath. I truly cannot go on feeling like this and really being in a mental hospital makes it worse. tomorrow morning I am going to go to the gym perhaps that might work. and then take my child outside. she needs to feel the sun and go places to play. I am really a shitty parent.




"You think it is easier to forget about your troubles when the trouble is destroying you"

-U2 'The Troubles'
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