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Author: Subject: A turkish jesuit named Hasan
NY_writer
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[*] posted on 6.11.2018 at 12:37 AM


Tonight I began writing again. I was sitting at the computer anyway trying to conjure some intellectual thought process behind why cyber criminals so easily evade the law, capture and prosecution. I have very little in the way of progress only because the answer is simple but the class that I am writing this for wants a complex answer of at least 200 words.

So I am writing. . .
Something is being written.

but first let me tell you how I feel right now. this is something I haven't felt in a long time. I feel as though my biological fluids are moving in a direction that leads me to this euphoric state. I mean I really feel gushy right now. there is little pain in my belly but a good one.

this is how it started. . .
I started thinking about how I used to be back in the day. then I thought about Jon Pettiford. I think I talked about him. the font of his name looks as though I've typed it here before. Certainly I wrote about him in a story that I will revise once I find the damn website I allowed to take my stuff.
anyway I only got as far as the introduction and a little bit of chapter 2. I've decided to take some of these linguistic still shots of moments in my life and implement them into this book I am writing and plan to have completed when I graduate which will be July 2019. yes indeed I will have my masters in criminal justice specializing in behavioral science. . . Lord willing.

moving forward

I was thinking about Jon and the passion I had for this seasoned man. I was his Lolita. he is dead now and all I have is pictures on Facebook from his daughters page. I haven't looked at her page in a while and I'm not really sure we are even "Facebook friends" (a phrase that really sounds disgusting to me for some reason).

I want my life back before I joined the military before I lost my virginity before this very moment when I heard my son who was sleeping moan. He is hungry and I must commit to my motherly duties

at some point I will return.




sittin' in my swivel chair spinning vinyl dreams.
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NY_writer
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Posts: 1479

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[*] posted on 6.16.2018 at 12:20 AM


I am supposed to be finising up this weeks paper it is 1200 words I'm a 900 at 1100 Ill write the conclusion. this week I am discussing psychological autopsies. since I've been in intro to forensics I've had this urge to work with dead people. next semester which is in a week and a half. I'm taking my second elective which is medico legal death. how fascinating.

I think I miss my old life. but I don't miss how scattered brained I was. well [Censored] maybe I do. I read some of my old entries. I read about Esther's dad and James bond. I miss bond. I do. I don't' talk to him like I'd like because I am married and I know that I will want to reminisce on the old days with bond. and I know that I may try to make my way to new York to visit. but I value my marriage and I would not do that to my husband. as much as I he pisses me of, my husband is fine as hell and is a bible believing Christian. so for those two things. did I say he's hot. I won't step out. but then there is that part of me (really the devil) that wants to fantasize again. want to be reckless for a day or 30. live like I"m 23 before I joined the army before I met Esthers dad. I don't hate the man but if he died I wouldn't miss him. His dad died and I went to visit him and I could care less. he died horribly. but I think he knows Jesus so he's save. his wife the manipulating racists [Censored] will likely either die horribly or die peacefully and go to hell. Joshua. . . I should care about is soul but there is just noting there. my husband and I went to pick up Esther about a month ago almost and I just looked at him with such disgust like did really subject my ovaries, hormones, orifices and other bodily fluids to this male. I have this beautiful daughter who doesn't speak up for herself is severely pigeon toed, talks to herself (okay may that is from my pedigree) and is developing at an exponential rate. she's 9 and looks 15. now my other two children are normal thank Jesus an audacious. like Eleanor is a firecracker. she is only 3 but gives zero fucks about how you feel. she will tell you to suck that [Censored] up and get it done.
my baby boy is moving along very fast.

well I guess I need to finish this paper because tomorrow I have to complete my research paper/project. this one is on crime scene staging. I don't know why I chose that. I essentially skimmed all of the chapter headings in our text book and picked out something I had not reviewed, discussed, or tested yet.

I tried to straightened my hair like an hour ago just to see where it is at since I big chopped again, (more like big shaved) 2 year ago. I am almost BSL. my hair is now at the bottom of my arm pits. but my hair reverted back instantly. I don't think I'll be doing that again.

I feel like I want to be brutally honest like I did back in the day but now I've got extra people in my life so being brutally honest might push my readers away. I won't do that. for now.

Jesus I am just ready to die. come back already and get this over with.




sittin' in my swivel chair spinning vinyl dreams.
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NY_writer
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[*] posted on 8.21.2018 at 11:17 PM


I miss watching a few of you post your blogs. I wonder what happened to you. There was a comfort in relying on your crazy adventures. But I guess we have to move one. I still dream of the past. fantasize my time at cedar point. I was still a virgin there, mostly. I miss this writing whatever comes to mind. no structure to anything. no facvebook. oh how I loathe facebook. I am a moderator of a page. some of you might be on that page. if you are then you will probably guess, perhaps who I am and what the page is by the time I am done writing. I honestly do not care enough about politics to moderate a facebook page. quite frankly, I think the admin, the guy who owns the page may feel the same way. He is always on facebook but never responds to others post, he doesn't approve or delete post or members. and that is fine but I feel that I am losing control. I have a few people that I am positive have ill intentions while being on this page. they constantly pick fights. their post are contrary to the view points of the page. and quite honestly, they are really just full of themselves and simple minded. I sometimes think that people who take this whole politics thing seriously are simple and narrow minded. why you say?

. . .well because this world is temporal this shitt only matters as far as it connects with endtimes prophecy. I mean think about it you are going to die and you will not care nor will you remember how much you hated the president or how much you hate black people. etc etc. . .

anyway lets move on. . .
I miss my brother. I miss potter. both killed themselves. and in both cases I ponder why still. potter's death really bugs me. he was a beautiful man. yes I could see the damage but I was so wrapt up in my own confusion and uncomfortablitiy. we won't trek down that path again. anyhow. he had a good heart but it was clear, at least to me, that he was plagued with a lot of demons. this man was the chaplains assistant. . . what the hell did the chaplain do for him. yes suicide is the receivers fault but damn. Col. Beirenga did you not see the torture behind the smile. his tight lipped smile the wide eyes that, though they looked at you, seemed to jump and dart away occasionally, but then again, I failed him too. we failed him. . .

my brother, well I was the one who failed him. I didn't go to Michigan eough. I didn't stay longer. he jumped in the river shortly after I left to go back to florida. I know this because is body was found oct 5. I left for fl sometime around the end of sept. when they found his body it was badly decomposed. it as clear that he had been there a while and typically when you find a floating body it's usually been there long enough to bloat then float.

I talked bond again. he is still feeling sorry for himself. I tried to help him. ultimately the choices he makes will be his and I will have a clean conscience. I tried. hell I even tried to love bond but well. . .we know how that ended. ignored my call, pretended that I got the wrong number, and avoided me for, oh what, 15+ years. now in all that shitt that he did to me, he has had the audacity to get bent when I don't reply back to him. he chastises me n that cynical way that I cannot stand. bittch you deserve it. but. . .
I have forgiven him. I'm just thought broadcasting at the moment. I miss this place. I miss the controversy. I miss how lively it was. I miss willow wherever he or she is. I miss U think U know. he was a cutie but I think he's deactivated is CL account. I miss yahoo chat. I miss Myspace back in the day. I miss all of those creepy dating websites. I miss bubble screen desk top computers that would randomly run in dos mode even thought it was windows. hell I don't know. I miss the outer body experiences I used to have. man those were wild. I miss crushing on the fuckk boy who looked like lil wyte and had a crush on valinda. yea he was cute in that white trash-- haven't-been-to-the-dentist-but-got-the-new-j's-and-this-dope-chain way. I miss Urbis.com. aol. "a/s/l". flip phones with the green screen. then the ones with the blue screen. my Motorola v330 that had the killers "somebody told me" ringtone. I miss the girl who the ringtone was for. I miss binge watching queer as folk on DVD. I miss spending pitiful check on those dvd's. I miss funcoland. I miss k bee toys. I even miss being confused and frustrated. I miss the 90's 80s and from 2000-2007. . .

comeback to me you guys




sittin' in my swivel chair spinning vinyl dreams.
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[*] posted on 9.14.2018 at 12:53 AM


I think about the afterlife a lot. I think when that starts to happen it means you'll die soon. I think about my eyes closing one last time in the natural world then instantly opening into the supernatural. Jesus and nem. I want to experience it. but I don't think God trust me with that kind of knowledge right now. I don't blame him. If I saw heaven, I'd probably kill myself to get back. . . only to see flames and eternal separation from God. huh guess it is best I don't see heaven until my clock stops ticking.

This is something interesting I noticed. . . so I am a conservative and a republican (not necessarily mutually exclusive) and I voted for Donald Trump mostly because I don't think a woman can successfully run the country. men are wired a certain way where they don't necessarily think of the emotional consequences rather they focus on what I rational and feasible.

moving on. . . so there is this walk away movement that's taking over the black and other minority communities (and some whites). . . well this walk away think is starting to look more like worship. like I think people are actually worshipping Donald trump. I saw a video of a black woman discussing why she is no longer democrat. the title of her video said "runaway t trump". okay. . . sounds like a Freudian slip where they really meant to say "runaway to the republican party" or something along those lines. but that isn't the only thing. On this page I moderate, there are some that are like yea I love Donald trump. okay why do you love him? this is crazy.

it is like all the hate that he is getting is also fueling this love of him. so he is totally being worshiped now from everyone.

dude someone made a statute of him to make fun of him. . . a statue. who spent their time doing that. and it was like really detailed. like you sat there thinking, wondering what does his penis look like. how tight are his butt cheeks. really. this society has gone stupid and I'm leaving soon but this [Censored] is about to blow up.

This is the beginning of the end and if you are reading this and aren't saved you might need to reevaluate your beliefs. like think about it. you are here right now talking to your frends, processing what your are reading and saying. you got all these emotions that you have felt your whole life and all of this knowledge that you have obtained. right. . .and then you die. where does all of that go. If you do not believe that there is an afterlife, then you are really just wasting your time living. . . what happens. to you. it isn't logical to think you just die and all that beautiful information you obtained, processed, rationalized means nothing and does nothing. . . REEVALUATE you beliefs. this isn't a game.

Now i'm no one special but my mind has been mostly focused on spiritual things these past couple of months. and I know that it is Lord saying hey its coming soon just be on the look out. this page I moderate, man, I don't even care about politics like that, at least not anymore. all of this fighting and worship of party affiliation and Donald trump is insane and I want no part of this mess. people say we got to care about this and that. work on your credit . . why if you don't believe in the afterlife. whatever. I know I know. it is to make yourself feel good about yourself, share with others, yada yadda yadda. all of it is selfish. even your giving is an extension of your selfishness. but your mind is so focus on this immediate temporal shitt you don't realize you are selfish. those who say no that's not selfish. really. why are you giving. because YOU were once in the same situation they were in. selfish. you made it about you so that is why you give. . . okay. so you say it is because it is the right thing to. . . by who standards? if you don't believe in God the I guess logically, those are YOUR standards.

I could go on with all the ways we are selfish. I am selfish too. I'm not excluded from that.

I want to let go of that page but it is allowing me to see the mundaneness of people. how they squabble over things that they have no control over. things they care nothing about once they log off, or close their phones, or whatever people do that's not Facebook. these people aren't doing anything to change their community. most of them are bitter because they could not change the ineptitude of their own miserable lives. they do nothing. the administrator of the page is cool tho. he's saved and spirit filled. I like him in a Christian way of course. he's like my granddad or something. I want to add him but that might be weird. I don't know why. maybe it is anxiety.

but look people this country is about to go live all over the world.

CHOOSE THIS DAY WHOM YOU WILL SERVE




sittin' in my swivel chair spinning vinyl dreams.
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NY_writer
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[*] posted on 12.17.2018 at 02:44 AM


My brother really is dead. He's been dead over a year and I wish I could call him right now. it is 2:30 in the am. I cannot sleep. my appetite seems insatiable. I have started intermittent fasting but I think I'm at that hump where I need to eat everything. . . or I maybe starting my period. I don't know.

I think I may have found out why Zach killed himself. I was searching for former battle buddies on my fake FB account and I stumbled across his page. his post were public. the last one was dated sometime in September of the previous year he died. . . 2013, I believe. he had several post about being head over heals for this woman. now Zach does not have kids but he had a picture of this preteen on his page like he was dining with him. it could have been a nephew but I dug further. I scrolled as far as I could and I found that he tagged this mysterious woman and indicate that that he liked her to some effect. I went to her page and saw that the boy he was dining with was her son. I scrolled through her page and saw that she was engaged to be married to a man in march. just 2 months after Zach killed himself. so that tells me that she either cheated on him or left him for someone else and being a two timed combat veteran i'm sure that did not sit well with him. seems like he fell into despair sometime after September 2013 and never came out of it. she must have known he killed himself and clearly she did not care enough to maybe halt her wedding. . . or maybe she did and march was the later date.
. . .I don't know.
but I found closure. in that case.

my brother, however, I reckon I will never have any closure. because I feel like his death was my fault.




sittin' in my swivel chair spinning vinyl dreams.
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